Diet for men (a joke)

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he fi nally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Anyone care?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive...

try missing a couple of car payments.

New slants on life wisdom

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

And finally...

Always remember that you're unique...

Just like everyone else.

Instant gratification

We live in an age of instant gratification don’t we? We want success instantly. We want to change things instantly (even though we generally resist change that puts us out of our comfort zone). Well here is a humorous story for the case for changing more gradually.

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by
an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Five simple rules to be happy

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Expect abundance without attachment.
Give more.

NOW...
Enough of that wisdom...
Remember the story of the donkey a couple of days ago? (When life tries to bury you)

Well here's a new ending to it.

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM THE LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

One wish

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said; 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said; 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy?

The Lord replied; 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Weight joke

A bloke steps onto one of those machines that speak your weight and tell your fortune.

“Listen to this”, he tells his wife. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.”

“Yes,” his wife nods, “And it’s got your weight wrong too.”

Top 7 exercises for the non athletic

How are you going with your exercises?

What??

You haven't started??

Well maybe there's hope for you yet if you engage in these activities...

Exercise	Calories/hr
Throwing your weight around	50-300
(depending on your weight)
Climbing the ladder of success	750
Making mountains out of moelhills	500
Falling in love	500
Running around in circles	350
Picking up the pieces	350
Wading through paperwork	300

Have fun!